Smoke ‘Em, Pass ‘Em - Week 10
Editor’s Note: Read on if you dare. Go ahead, take a risk.
A lot of fantasy folks might be frightened of 100 percent exposure to a player. But those fantasy folks are idiots.
Today I pushed all my chips onto the table for Deshaun Watson. In all my leagues, quarterbacks get big points. This season, I took Jimmy Garoppolo in one and Watson in the other two. Hitch your wagon to a star. Out of the bye, it seems the Houston Texans got a rocket full of fuel.
Watson started the year slowly, but what if that was just him healing and figuring out how to move after ripping his knee apart? What if the addition of Demaryius Thomas does just enough to keep those safeties and corners honest? Nuk doesn’t need much room, right? And what if Jordan Thomas continues to be a force in the red zone? And Keke Coutee and Ryan Griffin both get healthy?
There are lots of questions, but you don’t need all of them answered for it to work out.
Hell, I don’t know. Maybe Watson’s prone to volatility and the addition of Demaryius Thomas doesn’t offset losing Will Fuller’s ability to stretch defenses. Maybe I don’t know squat.
But if you don’t take risks, there’s no reason to play. Shit, there’s no reason to even wake up in the morning. And I’ll take a shot at Watson if for nothing else but to yell “Sexual Chocolate” at the television every Sunday.
DAK PRESCOTT at PHI
I know what you’re thinking and I am, too. This is stupid and unnecessary. But I know what wiring quarterbacks looks like, and with byes this week (Watson included), this seems like a decent spot for Prescott. Philly is 20th in the league defending the pass and top-five against the run. I don’t know who they’ve played. Nine weeks is a good enough sample for me. Dak also gets an additional week working with Amari Cooper, who will be busier than Jerry Jones scratching his liver spots. A question I often wonder is if Jerry Jones can feel his nose. It looks like plastic. Does it ever itch? This would be the one question I’d ask him. That, and if his mother was ever a prostitute. Then I’d yell, “That’s for Dez!” Before crossing my forearms with the double bird salute. I’ve rehearsed it in the mirror.
DION LEWIS vs. NE
Lewis posted 19-62 on the ground and 4-60 receiving against Dallas. Not quite Neon Dion. More like Dull Grey Dion. Zing. New England has been surgical lately—since about 2001. Tennessee would rather have this game plod along with little to no excitement like an interpretive dance representative of Derrick Henry. But no one can slow Brady and Co. down. Plus, when all else fails, you gotta go with the Revenge Game. What are the best revenge movies? Shawshank Redemption is sort of a revenge movie, right? The original Old Boy. Man on Fire. Kill Bill. Lucky Number Slevin as a dark horse. I’m not Googling. Hit me up with suggestions.
DUKE JOHNSON vs. ATL
Holy marijuana snacks, that performance was what the doctor ordered. The Browns either finally figured out how good and important Johnson is or game flow forced them into it. The Falcons have won three in a row and Cleveland is 31st in the NFL in passing defense. Put up your Duke. I am driving to Atlanta tomorrow for a funeral. My wife’s stepmother’s funeral. I think it’ll be a celebration. She liked a good party. She worked in real estate for years. Then about eight years ago quit and started painting. Say what you want, but that’s some crazy shit no matter who you are. She wasn’t a starving artist for sure. But she also didn’t have “Jim Carrey Fuckoff” money that allows him to paint. But she took her art seriously. She took classes. She studied. And read. And practiced. In other words, it was a risk for her, and she respected the seriousness of the decision. Jack Kerouac once said it takes a lifetime to become a great painter. I suppose this is true, as its true for almost all things you want to be great at. Anyway, sometime this week raise your glasses for the risk takers out there among us.
CHRISTIAN KIRK at KC
He had seven targets last week. Kansas City is so unstoppable some in the media have dubbed them the Kansas City Caravan (topical political human on this Election Tuesday, fellow American comrades). If you’re going to start the Captain, this is the game he fills your flex. He can fill my flex anytime. I feel like these are lines from the unedited version of Top Gun. Which is also sort of a revenge movie. I mean Maverick must avenge Goose’s death from those Russians, right? I think I need to see that movie again.
DONTE MONCRIEF at IND
He went for 4-7-54 last weekend. This is an ugly line, but they’ll have to throw to stay in this. Remember who Moncrief used to play for? I don’t think I have to tell you. Revenge, friend. Jim Irsay actually owned the scroll of Kerouac’s On the Road. “The best teacher is experience and not through someone’s distorted point of view.” My experience says I’d rather start a fire in my crotch than Donte Fuckin’ Moncrief, but byes and sadness and bad trades. Do what you have to do.
CJ UZOMAH vs. NO
Bad news for A.J. Green, who is one of my favorite players in the league. Green’s target leftovers have to go somewhere, however. With Tyler Boyd drawing tougher coverage and John Ross somewhat underperforming, Uzomah can dip his toe in the water. According to Rotoworld, Uzomah played in 97 percent of snaps last week. Snaps don’t always translate to routes, but in this case it did. He ran 31, fifth among tight ends for the week. You know you’re frustrated with David Njoku. You have Jordan Thomas on bye. Your team simply sucks. What harm can it do?
Los Angeles Chargers Defense at OAK
In the weekly I do with 20 people, I streamed Oakland’s defense last week against Nick Mullens. I admit it publicly. The Raiders scored -1. You know how hard that shit is to do? That’s like solving a Will Hunting problem with only a fucking abacus and some bubble gum. This Chargers team is fresh off a big road win and is headed in the opposite direction as the Raiders. The whole thing is an embarrassment. This stale, golden-haired shit who thinks he’s talking in parables, but mostly sounds like a dumber version of Jason Witten. Gruden is selling nostalgia and the only people who buy that are staring backwards. I hope the Raiders lose for a long time. Someone needs to learn a lesson from this tragedy.
NICK MULLENS vs. NYG
This can’t be real. Brett Favre’s former school. Favre calls the tough-as-nails young quarterback before his first start. He wears number 4. He’s a gun-slingin’ sumbetch who’s just thankful for the opportunity that God and Country gave him. Fuck me, maybe I’m wrong. Start him everywhere. How can he ever lose?
KENYAN DRAKE vs. GB
What in the runny duck shit is going on? Someone smart on the Twitters said the Drake missed a bunch of pass protection blocks. And game flow was slower than Witten doing long division. Just three carries for nine yards. On the road with this truly offensive offense, I’m gonna sit this one out. Time is running out on Kenyan’s season. But, then, for Frank Gore, time does not exist. Time is a construct of human beings. And Frank Gore is not a human being. Know this.
KERRYON JOHNSON at CHI
At the beginning of the year I was a at my keeper league draft (great squad too: Watson, Ingram, David Johnson, Tyreek, TY, Josh Gordon, Graham/Njoku. I’m 6-3. It doesn’t matter if I win because Watson, Tyreek, and Gordon are some of my favorite players.), and I said aloud, “Kerryon might be great but it won’t be for my team.” My feeling was I wanted no part of that Detroit backfield. I was wrong, of course. He’s outperformed his ADP. But Chicago has surrendered just one rushing TD all year. Keep calm and Kerryon without him. I don’t feel bad about this pun. And you can’t make me. Kerryon. I said, Kerryon, sir!
SAMMY WATKINS vs. ARI
The Tyreek groin talk had Sammy Watkins looking appealing. But it appears Hill is in the clear. Watkins is like roulette: wildly volatile and, just like football, there’s only one ball for all the action. Perhaps he’s more like a roll of the dice at the craps table. God, I love gambling.
OAK WRs, BUF WRs, and NYJ WRs in various contest
Here are nine players you shouldn’t have in your lineups. You’d think we wouldn’t need to say this. But they have signs that tell restaurant employees to wash their hands.
GRONK at TEN
I’m no doctor but spine herpes literally gives me chills. And even with this debilitating illness Rob Gronkowski is still better than half the tight ends out there.