Smoke ‘Em, Pass ‘Em - Week 2
Editor’s Note: Readers with sensitive eyeballs or a love of censorship may want to skip this guest post. It is written by Kenneth Griggs. Follow him on Twitter @Dexters_Library.
Charles Dickens takes patience and the acceptance that you’re gonna be lost sometimes. This applies to life, too, but let’s not get on too many tangents here.
For the modern reader, Dickens is literally a dick in your ear. It’s inconvenient. It’s uncomfortable. It’s irritating. It’s long (I guess that’s a good thing?). The modern reader lacks the time, they claim, and what in the name of Prince Harry’s bleached asshole does 19th century London have to do with me anyway? Also, no one has one bloody lick of patience left. But the last thing we need is another droning essay about this new world where an eternity’s worth of information is dropped onto our Sisyphean shoulders every second of the day.
I’m 200 pages into Dickens’ last published novel, Our Mutual Friend. It’s vintage Dickens. A bunch of characters with names somehow wackier than their antics. Passages and words you know the old rich fuck put in there just because they were paying him by the word. And, of course, background and scenery and structure that’ll slap the Spice Girls right out your mouth.
The dude was a fucking genius. Now, was he a racist who wrote about compassion in his novels and didn’t give a lick about the sugarcane fields in Colonial England? You bet your ass he was. Read more and understand more about that here.
A writer of plotless, boring novels, he was not. But, there is little question, you need the patience of an old, wise woman who knits and believes in God to get through those novels and appreciate them.
Anyway, the reason I was thinking about patience is because it’s Week 2 of the fantasy season. And everyone needs to be reminded to have some patience. Don’t make rash moves. Trust the process. If you lost Fournette for a few games. Don’t panic. Get a bounce. Get lucky for a week. Pick up Phillip Lindsay and let him help you. Or plug and play that flier or veteran on your bench. Have some patience.
But if you have Le’Veon, you better fucking panic. Get to the store and buy Evian and Campbell’s. And a good, long Dickens for your ear because you’ll need to keep your mind off fantasy football.
Jimmy Garoppolo vs. DET
I’m just going to put the G-Spot here until he starts giving us what we were all promised. He’s got the lifestyle and coiffure of the leading man, but we need fewer porn stars, which sounds counter-intuitive, and more TDs. But Detroit is like really great sex when you’re depressed—they revitalize your confidence.
Chris Thompson vs. IND
What was all that “not 100% until November” rubbish? If Thompson’s going to be this involved and looks as strong as ever, you probably don’t need to be told to start him. But, then, maybe you do if you’re reading this? I don’t know your life. I’m not responsible for you. You want life advice? Go read Dickens, dickhead.
Peyton Barber vs. PHI
Sometimes you have to believe in something blindly. Didn’t Nike have an ad about something like that? The Barber was out last weekend, but the people still need haircuts. I’m almost out of jokes about barbers. And I’m running low on patience for Barber, as well. But, seriously, I’m putting him on here until I get what I came for.
Quincy Enunwa vs. MIA
Sounds like a the name of a warrior in Black Panther. You know what his superpower is? He repels all of those Robby Anderson shares. Defenses will adjust and Sam Darnold, who looks like Andy Dufresne’s son, will have to at least try to spread the ball around. For now, however, it’s Enunwa, the King of Targets.
Keelan Cole vs. NE
Not a bad line in the opener, 4-3-54-0. This week, they’ll have to play more aggressively on offense because Tom Brady and the Human Herpe are in town. And Fournette is nursing a hamstring. My wife has been nursing our son for 10-months. It’s the second-most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, behind seeing her give up booze and weed.
David Njoku at NO
He had plenty of targets. And the Saints got beat up at their own house like Rand Paul. It’s hard to have patience in the dank, dark hallways at the Factory of Sadness, but clutch for the walls and go toward the light.
Matthew Stafford at SF
He’s starting to remind me of Brett Favre, in all the wrong ways. The interceptions. Questionable decisions even when they work out correctly. The refusal to take himself out when he’s not completely healthy. Here’s hoping Stafford steers clear of dick pics.
Carlos Hyde vs. NO
It took him 22 to muster 62. He got in the end zone. But Duke Johnson had six targets last week, and this game should be faster. Tyrod Taylor had 40 attempts and managed just 15 completions for less than 200 yards. The numbers say it can’t be that bad again. Right? “You mean it’s come up red the last five times? ALL MY MONEY ON BLACK.”
Derrick Henry vs. HOU
I’m not giving up yet, but there’s a desperation here only very depraved people can truly understand. I’m one of those people. I’ve seen things, Lou. And this smells really bad. Now, let us pray.
Geronimo Allison vs. MIN
8-5-69 (nice)-1, and his TD was one of the best throws and catches you’ll see all year. But I’d bet there’s a drop in targets if Green Bay expects to win this game. I’m long on Allison, though. Longer than a Dickens novel.
DeSean Jackson vs. PHI
It’s not happening two weeks in a row. Things won’t be as easy this week. Philly will bring heat on the Harvard Mane. Three of the four TDs he threw were play-actions to his Beard. Give DeSean a rest.
Dill Wissly at CHI
Not even Le’Veon owners are this desperate yet.